Today, whilst I was cuddling with my boyfriend the topic of my ex-boyfriend came up. I know, I can feel your cringe from here but we speak about him a lot, less so in the last few months, mainly due to what happened last May.
I’m usually fine talking about it. There is nothing to dispute about my ex’s behaviour; he was a pig and he should be put down before he hurts someone else. But there is one topic that usually ends up with me in tears and D in frustration. And that’s to do with whether I loved my ex or not.
Now, in usual cases the thought of your girlfriend crying over whether they loved their ex or not would be something of a concern. It would bring worry and paranoia into your head that she still loves this boy. But this is not a normal situation and I don’t know whether it’s just me but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be able to wrap his head around the matter.
With S and I, I was very slow on my feelings towards him and it was a few months in I told him I loved him. He was good to me; he loved me, he cared, he treated me on a whim, and it stayed like that for another two months.
And then he started being strange, it was a slow process at first; he’d tell me I looked slutty before I went out, he’d put me into choke holds for fun, he started pushing me into bins, shrubs and people’s gardens because that’s what people on Facebook did to their girlfriends. It was strange and most times he did this I spent the night at a friend’s house.
And then he started disappearing to the flat down the road. He started working at a club and would be gone every other night, coming home drunk and demanding in the early hours of the next day. He then started putting me in more submission holds and practising jujitsu moves that would have my muscles twisted this way and that. He called me crazy and annoying when I did get upset and it was all in my head, apparently.
And then there was that night in May. I had been in my room all night studying for an exam, I had been undisturbed due to a snit S and I had earlier in the evening and I was ready for bed. I had been brought up on the rule of don’t go to bed on a fight, so I went to say goodnight to him. He asked me to sleep next to him and I was so happy, he was sorry for what he did!, I thought and I snuggled up in bed. He followed me a few minutes after and as soon as we were all cuddled up he started asking for it.
I’m not going into detail, it’s my nightmare that only should be shared with the few who need to know. But he did what he did without consent and the night he did that my love for him died as did all the love I ever had for him. A part of me died that night too.
So when my boyfriend insists I was in love with my ex and he doesn’t listen when I said I didn’t it does bring me to tears. He doesn’t seem to get I don’t remember the good times, all I can remember is my head being pushed against the mattress and the tears blocking my vision. I remember my muffled screams and his noises. I don’t remember anything good about him and I feel sick at the thought that I dated that monster, I fell in love with a monster and the worst part is I can’t even remember why I did.
So if you’re a man and your girlfriend is a rape victim don’t question her feelings towards that boy before. Whether he’s a stranger, a boyfriend or even a relative you do not question her. You don’t question her rage, whether she loves or loved him, you don’t question why she didn’t leave him – it’s never that simple.
I promise my next blog will be uplifting.
Until next time, G x