*Warning, s**t is about to get deep*
Do you even remember me?
I was looking back on my small collection of blog posts and found myself laughing. I knew this wouldn’t last. With my ability to lose track of time and my time management already flushed down the loo. Why did I even bother, right?
Or maybe another question; why did I leave?
I love writing, it’s my one escape and where I can be me. I believe that’s why I’m so awful at communicating through scientific papers and journals – I make friends through writing, I don’t give lessons.
So how could my escape become something I don’t escape to?
I always knew depression existed but I never thought it would affect me. But, and I don’t mean to sound dramatic, I think anyone would with what I’ve gone through.
I’m too scared to look through those old blog posts because of what they may or may not hold. I lied in those posts, even though there are only a few, I lied and I hate lying. I came off happy and bubbly like I had all these great things going for me but all the while I was scared and alone in the safety of my house with so many people around me. I thought I was in love. I wasn’t. That boy physically, mentally and sexually assaulted me and I can never get my purity back.
I am safe now, and those friends that gathered in my house they still do, but I don’t feel alone anymore. I feel their presence and their love. I feel it in the way they look at me, how my best gal pal drives over to my house at three in the morning just because I’m crying. I know it in the way my best friend has become the only man I want to have by my side, and that he felt the same way too. I wish I had waited for him.
And yes, the ex is still there. I see him at university and on nights out. At university it’s the worst – at least I can stay away from the night clubs he goes to. In uni you only have to turn a corner and I could walk right into him. Should I have to do that? Of course I will be biased but I think not.
It’s taken a few months but I finally seemed to come out of this bubble of numbness and my gosh it was good to feel again. But with feelings came pain and with pain came the need for numbness. So I did something dumb and that I never thought I was strong enough to do – because gosh you have to be stupid, helpless but strong to do what I did.
And that’s all it took to finally give me a kick up the bum and realise what I had. I have my mum and dad that would kill and die for me. I have my sister that I never want to see hurt ever, and I was going to do that? I have my longest friend that I would die for and I have two people, two soulmates (my man and my best friend) that are there through thick and thin and I could never leave or let down.
And so I’m eating my veg again, I’m a university eating healthy! I am running and meditating and seeing the people I need to see to get stronger and better. I’m seeing my friends again, I’m drinking coffee from mason jars and taking photos of it for Instagram and when I post them I don’t think how everyone’s going to think I’m so indie and so Brighton. I’m thinking I like this photo and I want it on my page.
I’m getting better and getting motivated. And most importantly I am putting myself first.